42
by theraputicDepressant
Summary: Harry Potter is haunted by the war. Draco Malfoy feels alone. Warnings at begining of each chapter, but general ones include depression, and PTSD. Draco/Harry. Eighth year.
1. Chapter 1

**im back with a new story. All my other stories are dead. I will not be working on them ever again. Anyway I dont own harry potter. Warnings! Panic attack, PTSD, general depressed feelings.**

It was the first moment in quite some time that Draco Malfoy felt it was acceptable to feel alone. As he stood on platform 9 & 3/4, surrounded by families saying their goodbyes and avoiding looking at him, he decided that it was okay to feel lonely.

He always felt alone these days. It had been happening since his sixth year. At the time, it had been the stress and pressure of living up to everyone's expectations, and completing the hardest task he was ever given.

Then the war happened. He fought with his family because after all, how could he turn against them? But as things progressed, he began to have doubts. Things were getting out of hand, this isn't what he wanted, he-

He got on the train. With no one there to say goodbye to, he had no reason to continue standing there. Today he was alone. His father in Azkaban, his mother in hiding, and he himself having stood trial where he begged for forgiveness in a show of regret and emotion no Malfoy would ever be proud of.

When he told his mother of his return to Hogwarts(court ordered. The ministry wanted to be able to keep an eye on him. Slip up, and its off to prison with him.), she had been so afraid for him. But Draco and Narcissa knew there was no choice. He was lucky to have been given this opportunity, and his only other choice was Azkaban. He would just have to keep quiet, keep his head down, and keep attention away from himself. Things could be so eas-

"Bloody hell, aren't you in prison yet?" Draco stopped walking, turning to face the Golden Trio. Hermione was scolding Ron for his rudeness, and the red head was trying to justify it. Harry was just staring. It made Draco uncomfortable.

He swallowed hard.  
"No, Weasley. I'm not." That was all he said before continuing on his way, looking for a place to sit.

"That was...curious." Hermione said as she and her friends watched the blond retreat.  
"No, 'Mione. Its just Malfoy being a prat. Come on, lets go si-Oh no, not again!" Hermione spun around, eyes locking on to Harry as he shook and sunk to his knees.

"Harry!"

\- -  
Harry wasn't sure whether or not he was looking forward to returning to Hogwarts. It was, after all, where it all went down...

He couldn't sleep the night before, or most nights before that. Every time he tried, he'd see the green flashes of lights, dead bodies, Voldemort...Whenever he closed his eyes, he would relive everything.

He could barely eat these days. Food just didn't seem worth it. His temper, however, was making up for his lack of appetite. Everything set him off lately. There would be screaming, yelling, crying, things being thrown. His friends were trying to help him stay calm, they were trying to stay with him, to understand.

Hermione had told him it was normal to feel this way. PTSD, she said, was common after wars.

He and Ginny had broken up. She told him he scared her. He hadn't responded, he just sat there, unmoving, staring at the floor. This had only made things worse. The two of them hadn't spoken in almost two months.

Mrs. Weasley had hugged him tight on the platform.  
"Its going to be alright. Its all over." She had whispered. He only nodded, a lump growing in his throat.

He boarded the train in silence, hands in his pockets, staring down at his feet. Ron and Hermione tried getting him to talk, but it wasn't working. Then...

Malfoy. Draco Malfoy.

It was all coming back. The war, the deaths, the pain, everything. All of it flashed before him. He clenched his teeth, standing frozen. Draco said something he didn't hear before walking away. Neither Ron nor Hermione noticed Harry's fear. Not until he started breathing too quick. His heart felt like it was going to explode out of his chest. He was shaking, crying, falling to the floor.

Panic attack. Just perfect.

Ron and Hermione were helping him into a seat, shutting the door. They were squeezing his hands, calling his name, trying to bring him back to reality.

Eventually, after what felt like an eternity, everything began to return to normal. The tears stopped, but his hands still shook.

"S-sorry. Im fine now..." He mumbled. His friends looked at him, then each other. They then nodded, sitting on the seat across from him.

"What was it this time?" Hermione asked. "Or do you not know what triggered it?" Harry shook his head.

"Malfoy." He said quietly. "Seeing him." His friends nodded again. Hermione dug around in her bag, pulling out a piece of chocolate and offering it to Harry.

Instantly Remus Lupin filled his thoughts and he wanted to cry all over again. So many friends and loved ones had died for him...he did this...he-

"Take it, Harry." Harry did as he was told, eating it slowly, feeling it melt in his mouth.

He hated this. He wished he wasn't so scared, wished everyone would stop pitying him and treating him like he was fragile. He wished everything would just stop...


	2. Chapter 2

**i dont own harry potter**

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Harry was pissed. Everyone was treating him like a bomb that would go off at any moment. The teachers, the students, even the damn food seemed to be giving him sympathetic and pitying looks.

Malfoy had barely even looked at him the past few days, let alone given him attitude or spoken at all.

He had hoped things would go back to normal but it seemed he was greatly mistaken.

"Harry...?" He looked up to meet Hermione's worried gaze. "Are you alright?"

"Fine." He snapped. She frowned.

"Its just that you've been glaring at your plate and you haven't eaten yet..."

"I said I'm fine, Hermione!" He practically yelled. The witch winced, scowling momentarily, a small frown replacing it quickly.

"Oi, don't yell at her! She's just worried, mate! ...We all are." Ron cut in.

"Harry, please eat."

"I'm not hungry. And stop worrying about me, I'm fine! How many times do I have to say it?! Yeah, so I had an incident on the train the other day. So what? I'm fine now!" Harry shouted. Everyone in the hall was looking at him, but he didn't care. He stood up, grabbing his bag.

"Where are you going?" Hermione asked.

"Class."

\- -

Draco watched Harry leave. What had that been about, he wondered. The all mighty chosen one had just lost his cool and blown up at Weasley and the mud- Granger. And what had he meant by an incident on the train?

Malfoy grabbed his bag and left the great hall. He hadn't been hungry anyway, and this was more interesting. Screw staying low profile, this was going to be good.

"Hey Potter!"

Harry froze, not turning around. His hands became fists at his side.

"What, Malfoy?"

"What was all that? Can't stand going a day without attention, hmm?" Draco smirked, running a hand through his messy hair. "To think that you of all people 'saved' the world. Bet you get off on it, don't you, Potter? You turned on right now?"

As Malfoy spoke, Harry relaxed. This is what he wanted. Their usual banter. He'd missed it. Although something seemed off, Malfoy didn't seem to be putting his heart into it. Harry didn't really mind though.

"Actually..." He turned and stepped towards the blond, pressing against the other. "I am feeling a little hot and bothered." He smirked when Malfoy froze. "Want to help?" He whispered.

"Get off of me Potter..." Draco said, barely audible.

"What was that? I couldn't hear y- Malfoy?" Harry backed off quickly. "Are you alright?" Malfoy clenched his jaw for a second before the arrogant smirk returned.

"Of course Potter, I'm just not a pouf like you. I am a self respecting pure blood-"

"Traitor." A voice said from behind him.  
\- -

Draco knew that voice. That's what made the word hurt the most. He turned around and came face to face with Blaise Zabini.

"Blaise." He said quietly. Blaise glared.

"I've been seeing you around the castle, and I must say I'm shocked you even had the nerve to show your face. How's your dad?" He sneered. Draco swallowed hard.

"Shut up."

"Oh that's right. He's in prison. Bet he'd be real disappointed to see what you've become. You cry in your sleep you know. Pathetic. You call yourself a Slytherin? You're nothing more than a traitor."

"That's enough, Zabini."

"Whats this? Draco's got himself a boyfriend! Oh this is rich!"

Draco barely even had time to register what had been said before Harry had started punching Blaise.


	3. Chapter 3

**I don't own Harry Potter.**

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 **TW: self harm**

Draco was running. To where he didn't know, but he knew he couldn't stop. He ran as far away from Harry Potter as he could, ducking into a bathroom and locking himself in one of the stalls.

This was bad, very bad. He was supposed to be staying quiet, keeping his head down! Why had seeing Potter upset brought out his old attitude? And why had Harry gotten so mad at Blaise? But more importantly, why had he been all over Draco?!

He couldn't think. Everything was wrong. This wasn't how things were supposed to be! He wasn't supposed to be drawing attention to himself and now...

Now Harry Potter would get in trouble, and Blaise was likely to as well, but he would be most likely be fine.

 _You are fine, Draco. You are okay. You are-_

 ** _You are a disgrace to the Malfoy name._**

He sighed, sinking to his knees, his father's voice filling his head with negative thoughts. This had been happening for quite some time. He'd make a mistake, and hear his father. He'd do something he shouldn't, and the voice would return. Always his father, always horrible words...

There was only one way to make the thoughts stop, he had learned. One way to feel better.

He dropped his bag and dug around, finding his potions knife. Most students used these to cut ingredients in class. Others, he was sure, also used it for what he did.

Rolling up his sleeve, and keeping his eyes off of the tattoo on his forearm, he pressed the blade to the skin at his wrist. it was already littered with scars, red, white, and pink, all in different stages of healing. Clenching his jaw, he quickly pulled the blade across, wincing slightly at the pain. He did this again and again until the pain was strong enough to stop the thoughts.

Draco pulled some bandages he had stolen from the hospital wing earlier that week out of his bag and wrapped up the cuts.

Sleeve down, knife cleaned, and head down, he exited the bathroom, walking quickly to his next class.

* * *

Harry had received a weeks detention, and lost 15 points for his house, but he didn't care. Blaise had pissed him off.

Why? He wasn't sure. But he had.

Either way, the detentions and point deduction was worth it.

Walking into class late and having everyone's eyes on him, however, was less worth it. He quickly took his seat, ignoring Ron and Hermione's whispered questions, waving them off and muttering "Later".

His next class was potions. They were with the Slytherins.

His eyes barely left Malfoy's back, occasionally looking down at what he was doing, so as not to blow anything up. However, near the end of class they focused somewhere else.

* * *

Malfoy was trying hard to focus on his potion making, but his arm was stinging, and stupid Potter was staring, and-

"That doesn't go in yet!" Malfoy practically screamed as his partner grabbed his wrist to stop him from putting something into the cauldron. He had been moving on autopilot. But now, he was yanking his arm away.

"Don't touch me!" He shouted, cradling his arm near his chest.

 _Shit, everyone is staring..._

"Well?!" He snarled, turning to glare at the class. "Don't you all have work to be doing?"

Everyone quickly went back to work. Well...All but one.

He could feel Harry staring at his wrist for the rest of class.


End file.
